Need to sleep....

Dan is leaving in one day. Tomorrow is the last time I will see him until August 31st, at least. That is the first day of school for Brandeis. I am already feeling sad about it. I do'nt know why part of me feels it's a crime to feel emotional. I don't know why I think that being sad about your boyfriend going away for a while is a horrible thing, that it's a weakness. Rationally it's just something that happens, you don't see a person for a while and then they come back. Things change back to normal. I don't know why it is that it's such a big deal. Why can't I just....look at it for what it is and not as some life altering phenomenon?

It's because I have missed him bitterly while I was in NJ regardless of how much we fought, worried about medical school, and focused on Calc, or drank. It always came down to that lonely feeling I got when I laid down and tried to sleep. And of course I gave into him and started feeling again, falling in love again and having feelings and now I'm back at square one. This separation won't be as bad as NJ obviously because I'll be at RA training and stuff and he'll be in Brasil with his family etc. But....I still don't want it.

To be sweet I got him a box of chocolates. Under the lid it says "these are the things that I'll miss about you while you're gone." and under each chocolate it has a slip of paper with a trait I'll miss. It's so hard to find sweet things to do for a guy. It's must easier to charm a woman out of her tiny panties. even though you don't technically have to try to charm a man outta their boxers, it's nice when you do. They need to feel special as well.

In other news, Jason has since e-mailed me. Of course we won't be best friends over e-mail because he likes to see people in person and so do I but...it'd be a super cool friendship if it worked out. I could get insider advice about med school and how to get through this crazy major.

I saw the brownies. Haven't seen them since spring sometime. I don't remember. It was nice .We played taboo. Masud kept gearing the stuff towards health related things. I was amused.

I also saw an old friend today. My friend Jonathan Hemnes came back from a year away from home. He lived and worked in France. We've missed him dearly. Today he came by and picked me up. I'm usually not a big bimmer fan either. We went to Panera with Ryland. Caught up on what's been happening. I definately wanna chill with him this week.

And now I'm here. I feel fine. I wish dan was here. I know I'm pathetic.

glad

I'm glad that Sharmin comments on my blog. It's nice to know this is being read.

I really miss SMDEP

I miss my freedom. When I'm home, I don't get to do much. I was just out with Dan and his friends for a while and I had to come right home because they're going to the beach and I can't stay out late. Just a week ago I was doing what I wanted, when I wanted, with who ever I wanted. And now I'm trapped and being lame.

I really really.....miss it!

do i make myself miserable?

Do I do this on purpose? It must be. I keep thinking too much, feeling too much and then feeling too little and being miserable. Why am I so dependent on this one boy? Why does he make me feel so horrible when he's not around? We're only 19, 20 and it's weird the way we act. It's not normal and people look at us funny. Which is fine for them because I'm getting the best sex of my life. Tehehehe. But in all seriousness. I reallly just need to see him.

I forget what he looks like. What do his kisses feel like? Exactly what goes through my body when he puts a finger on my nose, ear, or toe? I haven't been making any of this better for him either. I've been nothing but stupid and negative towards him. And I'm sorry about that. I really am because he's not really having an easy time dealing with my absence. He's hurting just as much as I am.

I came back home, relieved to see my mother, my aunt, my cousin and jeffery. Eating good food, sitting at a proper dining room table. There was a dull ache, however. I felt sad. It's not about missing woodward hall, wenimo, erika, franny, cerise and val or the first years or the terrible food and the night time volleyball games or the fucking awesome parties. It was about not seeing dan. it's about him totally shutting himself off and me shutting myself off and him not sounding one bit excited to see me monday. Wow...I'm taking something like this personally. I feel like a douchebag. The fact that my poor boyfriend was just tired or something stupid. I don't know but I just don't feel good, I can't sleep. WHY AM I CRYING?

It's this fear of turning on and then hurting again. It's not even Ciaro. I want him to go to Cairo. I want him to see the world, stretch his wings, excersise his Arabic. It's an amazing opportunity. I feel weak for saying this because I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can stick it out for that long. Turn on for this two weeks before he leaves for brasil. THen shut off coz i'm constantly missing him. Then change again when it's time for Ciaro. He's worth the pain. I don't even want to talk about this to him. Lets see how he responds to seeing me. Maybe I'll bring it up later. Not monday. We've come so far. I'll be utterly lost without him. So much of me is him. He has a part of me. He stole it from me without my realizing it. Fucking.......fuck.

leaving rutger's

The whole building is empty. It's only me and Cerise. The suite is devoid of life, the hallways deathly silent. No one is here! We're waiting for Cerise's dad to come pick us up. I'm done packing and have nothing to do. So I guess I'll reflect.

What's SMDEP done for me?

This might come in handy when I apply here. The best thing about SMDEP was that it exposed me to situations that I never thought about in daily life. The clinical rotations instilled in me a greater desire to study medicine and confirmed that I can get into medical school. For the first time I felt like there were othes I could relate to because their aims and goals were the same as mine. The staff went out of their way to help a student. Mr. Lonnie Wright met with 75% of the students that participated in the program regardless of other time commitments. The single event that changed my thought process regarding medicine was my trip to the medical examiners. I would probably do it again, but only if I absolutely HAD to. Although I'd never have to autopsy a body it was good to see what happens to the patient when doctor's cant' save them. Seeing how they examine the dead gave me motivation to be on the other end of the spectrum, dealing with live people and preventing them from getting to the medical examiner's. I see that it's possible to succeed and that medical students don't come in a cookie cutter mold. So far, I've never seen so many minorities in administrative positions. This spoke to me because it shows that...well I don't know what it exactly shows but it's good. It's not an unreachable dream, some remote fantasy. SMDEP equiped me with more information than I could ever get from a Barron's or Princeton review book.

Don't want to pack

I don't want to shove what little clothes I have into my suitcase. I don't want to pack my books. I don't want to strip my bed. I just want to stay. I want Valerie to come back and Erika to come back and Jason and Alex and yeah. This building is empty now and cerise and I are the few who are left. This sucks. I wanna go to medical school NOW.

Leaving NJ

So I've made some good friends, I hope. I want to go here, most definately. I don't really know about other med schools but I sure as hell like this one a lot. Maybe I'll see some of the people from this program here when I apply and if I get in. I hope I get in. Today we had mock interviews in front of like 80 kids. I was ofcourse randomly selected. It was nerve wracking. I really need to work on what I say and how much I say it. No people told me that I don't say enough. But they didn't say I was bad.

I'm going to miss this place. But it's not like a sore in my heart. For one thing, if I went to school with these people I wouldn't get any work done. :-P

So Confused

I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just rediculous and I love being a boob. I'm usually not confused and I'm allowed to be confused I know but it doesn't feel good. At all. I think I just want to go home. I should just go home and take what I can from this. I shouldn't feel like crap.

Life is full of stuff

So remember how this program was wonderfully academic and there was no drama surrounding me and I was just really sure of what was happening and where i'm heading and who's gonna be there for me along the way? It's not so black and white anymore. I just don't know if I'm gonna make it sometimes. it's daunting and i'm just really...........I don't know. but I do know this, I want to go to school here, I want to be a doctor now more than ever and I will put that first. That comes first to me and that is scary because I might loose important people in my life because of it. But it's too early to tell. this pre-emptive freaking out is no good. and Ihave finals to study for. I don't want to study, I can't focus.