do i make myself miserable?

Do I do this on purpose? It must be. I keep thinking too much, feeling too much and then feeling too little and being miserable. Why am I so dependent on this one boy? Why does he make me feel so horrible when he's not around? We're only 19, 20 and it's weird the way we act. It's not normal and people look at us funny. Which is fine for them because I'm getting the best sex of my life. Tehehehe. But in all seriousness. I reallly just need to see him.

I forget what he looks like. What do his kisses feel like? Exactly what goes through my body when he puts a finger on my nose, ear, or toe? I haven't been making any of this better for him either. I've been nothing but stupid and negative towards him. And I'm sorry about that. I really am because he's not really having an easy time dealing with my absence. He's hurting just as much as I am.

I came back home, relieved to see my mother, my aunt, my cousin and jeffery. Eating good food, sitting at a proper dining room table. There was a dull ache, however. I felt sad. It's not about missing woodward hall, wenimo, erika, franny, cerise and val or the first years or the terrible food and the night time volleyball games or the fucking awesome parties. It was about not seeing dan. it's about him totally shutting himself off and me shutting myself off and him not sounding one bit excited to see me monday. Wow...I'm taking something like this personally. I feel like a douchebag. The fact that my poor boyfriend was just tired or something stupid. I don't know but I just don't feel good, I can't sleep. WHY AM I CRYING?

It's this fear of turning on and then hurting again. It's not even Ciaro. I want him to go to Cairo. I want him to see the world, stretch his wings, excersise his Arabic. It's an amazing opportunity. I feel weak for saying this because I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can stick it out for that long. Turn on for this two weeks before he leaves for brasil. THen shut off coz i'm constantly missing him. Then change again when it's time for Ciaro. He's worth the pain. I don't even want to talk about this to him. Lets see how he responds to seeing me. Maybe I'll bring it up later. Not monday. We've come so far. I'll be utterly lost without him. So much of me is him. He has a part of me. He stole it from me without my realizing it. Fucking.......fuck.