I dream of summerfornication

I'd like to lay on the grass, under the shade of the large pine tree in front of your house, run my fingers over the rough, dry ground and watch the sun travel across the sky. Ideally, the sun wouldn't be too hot and the mild breeze would make the air feel balmy; occasionally it could pick up enough to momentarily blow my hair into my eyes. Whiling away the hours, drinking passion fruit juice, far away from this room, this campus, the cold.
I'd like to hold on to your pinky finger until it gets all gross and clammy or you protest; saying that you feel objectified or belittled. I miss the smell of barbecue on the grill and the taste of fresh salad and olives on my tongue. I want to shed this heavy coat, these layers of wool and cotton; I want to cleanse off all this ashy, gray, dead skin to reveal soft, hairless legs made a rich shade of brown as a result of my summertime bike rides. I want only to dress in the lightest white dress or skirt.
My eyes need to be expressive again instead of dull and sleepless and red and burning from the tears that often well up inside them as a result of frustrations that never quite seem to end. I've had enough. There needs to be more than a series of obstacles standing in my way of achieving my nearly unreachable goals.
And I miss how my own home feels in the summer. I love coming in from the heat, feeling the sweat clinging to my back only to shed my clothes as I enter the air conditioned dining room. I like feeling the cold white kitchen tiles under my calloused toes. I like making iced tea with lemon and light summer dishes. Everyone is not on edge, they are calmer and more prone to explore and have fun.
In the summer, my work does not follow me home. I leave it behind after the end of a shift. Here, I live, breathe, eat, and even sleep with school. I dream about exams, I finish assignments while I eat, I breathe in the fumes from lab (and they sometimes don't leave my nose. But that's my own fault for not conducting myself properly under the hoods).

And most obviously I miss nudity and fornication. In the summer.

Grids

It's worse than high school, I suppose. At least after A-N block I went home. I take that back; it had its own unique problems and so does College. Somehow they feel a little more serious now, but I'm sure "high school" problems were just as serious to me when they occurred.

Maybe it's a matter of 37 thousand dollars a year for an education that medical students don't even really need nor do they use. Pre med is the biggest joke and money maker. It's just a series of hoops to jump through, it's just another way for people to make money of you, it's just another heart attack waiting to happen.

And all the while you're loosing touch. Touch with my family, my friends, myself, my boyfriend.

One bad week doesn't spoil the long-term however. I refuse to give up now more than ever. Especially after realizing how interesting, empowering and cool my major really is.

I work so hard to make everything fit into those nice neat little grid schedules that run from 7AM to midnight seven days a week. It's depressing, I know, but it has to be that way to make sure all my bases are covered.

Lets not blame anyone but myeslf here; I did this to myself: I chose to be an RA, I chose to be Biochem/Premed, I chose to be a lunatic. And I knew he was going away since he was a Sophomore.

It's just at the end of the week, when I haven't anything to look forward to, no concrete release, no way to escape from the grind of Simmons, Boston, or even my regular friends it starts to wear me the fuck out. I'm worn out.

Plus, my research no longer exists. It was fun but a lotta work at the same time. It was applied science which is a pipedream for undergrads.

I didn't realize I'd be so sad about not having research time. I didn't realize I would feel so annoyed about my lack of fridays. And I also didn't think that some of my friends wouldn't realize that, yes, even Shahrin has issues and that she actually isn't "all right." And I need someone who isn't in Egypt to realize this.

What now then? I took the night off from schoolwork. Well not really but whatever. Tomorrow I have another set of hoops, and grids to fit into and jump and tapdance and whatever else.

Next slide.

This week is boring

There is nothing exciting about this week. Last week was better

Thursday--boardgame night at Claire's apartment on Park drive. Met lots of new people whom I don't really know at all. But twas fun
Had a haneous cell biology exam. Grappled over whether to change my major or not and almost died.

Friday--Watched the Namesake movie with Catie, Kat and Katherine.

Saturday--St. Patty's day. James Bond screening. Went to the women's lunch place to drop off the donations from my floor and had a refreshing drink with Tig and Linda.

Sunday--Library all day and Mesick Family Dinner. Good times.

I feel really good because I got a lot of work done over the weekend and thus making my week easier. I don't want to go to physics lab. Or QA. Or anything.

I spent the day with my mother a little bit after Physics because she had the day off. We went to a Warburg lecture from the ex-ambassador to bangladesh. She spoke about the relationship between force and diplomacy and the line between war and the ills of war. I don't even know what to do this weekend. Probably watch the prestige.

My life sucks.

I just want this semester to be over and I want dan back and I want my friends to be in better moods, I want to be in better moods.

Gurney research got pulled. I'm sad.

Spring Break is Over

Spring break is over and now I am sad. Not really, but I wish I was back in the third floor office--my dad's office--doing cell. I love that place. The skylight, the warmth, the brightness. No RA duties, no QA...well except for that take home.....

Ok fine, it wasn't ideal but I really really appreciated my home this week for what it is.

I'm in the library writing a lab report, doing calculations and it's OK that I didn't get to work on the take home this morning with the "dream team" but I have all day tomorrow. All. Will. Be. Resolved. Eventually.
It's just that blinding moment of panic that ensues immediately after something doesn't work out. It's frustrating but if the right people are around, the correct song on a cute little white MP3 player the size of a small imp then things right themselves.

All I know is, I can't wait for this summer.
Ani's parents are going away to Vegas for a week or so. Empty house!
Dan's rents are leaving. Empty house. Cute boy. Car.
Good job, I hope?
Everything will be OK.


oh and today my cousin Natasha turns 18
I've been in this country for 13 years.
and dan and I hit five years.
*sigh*.

Happiness at home

I get this wonderful, warm feeling while at home, and I don't know why. I will be studying cell bio but I'm content. It's the atmosphere and the warm chinese food in my belly, I'm sure.

I love the atmosphere. It's a wonderful change.

this was going to be a creative piece...........but then I got tired.

Acclimating to Home Life

Today was the quintessential vacation day. A little lazy, a little productive, and a whole lot of warm, cozy, welcome feeling.

I woke around 10, a little early for me but I had stuff to get done. I ate breakfast while I watched re-runs of ER. It's my thing; in the summer I'd usually workout while watching two episodes but the winter makes me lazy.
I waited until eleven thirty to depart for the high school because I wanted to get there for Isabella's frees: 12:09-1:30. I remember those random blocks of time. What were they? A-N block? Whatever.

I first saw Roy and the Troll (Mr. Milowsky) before I saw the runt. It was strange being back inside those hideous walls, inside the oppressive cafeteria and walking by those annoying classrooms. Thank the lord I'm not in high school anymore because it's a prison. I felt a little old because I didn't know a soul there. Except for the current senior class, of course, but aside from that, everyone looked annoying and juvenile. Were they always like this? Was I always like this?
Oh right. I was too busy to notice; I was too busy being suffocated by Daniel's lips. In the alcove, back stage, in deserted hallways. Whenever we got a free moment. Damn. I sure as hell didn't miss much.

Roy looked exhasperated but glad to see my tired collegiate face. I also bumped into Ms. Morgan who looked as fried as usual. Her skirt was way too short for this weather and her age.

Isabella and I walked the familiar route to 79 Grove street. There were grand plans to bake cookies, no brownies, no cookies are easier. No Isabella's too lazy and tired to put any effort. What should she eat? I was beginning to feel dizzy.
Karen's roast beef and rice brought me back to the land of the living and away from the out of control series of highways and neurotransmitters that is the mind if Isabella.

I missed the smells of the house: garlic enfused with olive oil and mustard of some sort. A warm, bready smell combined with this air to make me feel like someone was always holding me and giving me a hug.

His room was immaculately clean. No wonder, he hadn't been there in a month and a half (I can't do math. I might not even be that long) His dad was doing taxes, from the look of his desk.

The two of us settled down to doing homework; Isabella APUSH and me Cell and Molecular biology. My how I love glycolysis...except not. In the background, we heard Eduardo cursing his viola music because it was the most insane senseless piece he'd ever encountered. I came in to grab my bag and saw Synphonia Concertante sitting on the stand and said "yeah that is an insane piece."
"Oh, dear no! I couldn't play that. Daniel picked this up last and just left it."
"oh yes, that would be HIS idea of some light viola...stroking."
Laughter ensued.

The hours slipped by and Karen arrived. We ate a wonderfully comforting meal of corn bread, rice, and salad.
"It's monday, I'm tired." declared Karen. Eduardo said nothing, but I could tell a witty retort was forming in the back of his head. And of course before the poor man had a moment to speak, we hear
"We did THEE MOST useless experiment in bio today!"
Something about agar plates and the Ecoli embedded and the experiment not working out. She kept getting plasmids and plastids mixed up. Whatever, the teacher didn't even prepare the experiment correctly because if she had the agar wouldn't have the bacteria embedded in the media.

I regailed(sp?) Karen with my thirty point jump on my Physics retake regarding Gauss's law and Coulomb's law. She puzzled over how we even attempted any of these problems without using integral calculus.
I just scratched my scalp at her and smiled.

All in all, it was a typical Pereira dinner. Grapefruit with lots of salt, fine, dark, German chocolate and wonderful conversation. Mostly about bio, spanish, drawing and painting, honors precalculus and some physics.

Eduardo gave me a ride home because it was freezing outside. They always take such good care of me! I felt, generally loved and rejuvinated. Not only did I get a lot of work finished with Isabella, but I was refreshed and wonderfulized by the environment.

I will probably be bitchy tomorrow as the QA exam awaits me. But that's tomorrow.
Tonight, I am content.

Being Home

I'm a little relaxed, I guess. Being home is a good thing, all in all. I just dread this week. It was just stupidity to expect a totally restful spring break. I was expecting just job hunting, and hanging out. And studying a little bit. Nothing too major. And now, well now it's a whole different story. It was foolish of me to expect anything.
I had a dream last night. I was on a trip with Daniel and his and my high school classes combined. I don't rememeber a lot of it but I know some of it was spent in a girl's locker room for me. Then I tried to find Dan and couldn't. I ended up in a crazy library and I saw him talking to some sketchy Asian dude. He said "yeah, that was some crazy stuff. We'll have to do it again." "I wouldn't ever have guessed that it was your first time snorting cocaine."
First off, who talks like that about snorting coke in public?
Secondly, I got really really mad. And then we had a fight. That's about it. THen my mom came and woke me up "saaaaaaaaaaaaathi!"
hahaha. Ok. I must go and cook. Maybe today I shall set up my MP3 player.