A lot to say

I'm good at denial, nowadays. Never used to be. I used to look at things the way they are, for what they are, and why they REALLY are. There are no mind games with me. But I just ignored all this emotion regarding school because I was just so happy it was finally over (and now I miss it but that's not abnormal, a lot of my friends miss it). And today, when arguing about something totally unrelated, it all comes out. Again. It came trickling out for a bit when I first got my grades.
And what did I think? Oh well, it is what it is, you can't change it now. But that's not the kind of person I am. I am the girl that feels sad, disappointed in herself, thinks of future stratgies. People want me to be happy and revel in my smarts, and be proud that I even go to college etc. BUT I'M NOT HAPPY WITH THAT. For all those that tell I'm beautiful, that tell me I'm so lucky to be smart, it's still not good enough for me. I can't just be smart and coast on it. I have nothing to show for it. Why am I not better at school? Why can't I get the grades that Dan gets or that Ani gets, or tha Nipa gets (I assume she gets better grades than me), or that my friend that just graduated high school is and is going to Columbia gets?
Then there's my dream to concider. What do these crappy, average grades mean for my dream. Will I ever realize my dreams?

............."Maybe you're just tired of worrying all year and refuse to do it anymore."

He realizes this, and I start to think about it and then he decides that is the time to go. That is the time that he decides to feel sleepy. All this time when something bothered him, he wasn't sleepy but when I begin to have an epiphany, begin to show any signs of annoyance with myself he leaves.

.........."You know, shahrin, we've kinda done all the work for you so it's OK that we worry more than you.."

No. I'm not worried about the trip to the Bahamas because I'm going with my Best friend and my love. That is why. I couldn't be in better hands. But when you've got one of them worrying about how to get on the plane and the other worried about what's gonna happen afterwards, what's there left for you to worry about? And why should I go out of my way to do a ton of research when she's already done ALL the freaking work. Don't do the work and then complain about it. Don't volunteer to be the tourguide and then complain about it. Please. Spare me the agony. If she really cared, she should've flat out asked me to do something and not totally....just left it to "my senses" and what I feel I should do. I like direct questions and answers.

And then don't turn around and call me lazy, or not proactive. Shouldn't someone that's been friends with me for ten years realize by now what kind of a person I am? That I'm not gonna sit back on my first trip without my parents and not..have any say in what we do? Be led off while someone else holds my hands?

I let one thing go and people get all weird on me. I let this be the one time that I don't worry my head off and I let this one trip be the time that I'm not just looking forward to going on and that's all....what' wrong with enjoying yourself when you travel? If you know you've got your shit together that's all that you can do and that's all that you can forsee. If things go wrong,they go wrong. It's not something you anticipate.

And then it brings me back to my original reason for writing: how do I feel about my grades? Did I really give it my all this semester? AND WHY DO I STILL CARE??????????????
Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Is it worth all this grief and frustration? Am I even cut out for this?

I hate the feeling that no matter how hard I work I'll just end up getting a B anyway. Then I think, why bother. And then I get my grades and I'm dissatisfied and then I just sit and get angry at myself.

This really needs to change. I haven't seen results. I work hard, i get the same crappy grades. What a fucking dissappointing semester. Honest to fucking god. Could I have been more idiotic?

Ok...so the rational way of looking at it:

I might have shown more initiative on this whole trip planning business. Yeah I put the hotel downpayment on my card. Yeah I e-mailed them when things changed. Yeah I looked at things to do while I was at work and yeah I'm doing some mental trip planning.

But was it really necessary for me to go out and get a guidebook in addition to the guidebook Ani and Dan have?

When I'm in school, I write lists upon lists. I make grids, color coated flow charts, pie graphs. My phone programs my life. Does my vacation need to be the same way?

My Grades: There's no way around it. They are what they are and I can't change them. I just don't have to like them. How do I change? I can always say I'll work harder. I'll get tutors. SHIT I NEED TO SIGN UP FOR TUTORS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!! or else all of them will run out.

anyway, where was I? Perhaps a career change is in order. I might need to rethink the medschool thing. With these grades, I don't see myself getting in anywhere. ANYWHERE! OR even getting above a 20 on the MCATS. And no it's not too soon to start thinking about this. I'm a rising sophomore. I have so much at stake. So much money so much time so much effort. If you know that you're about to partake in something you might want to know if it's a Sysiphisian task.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to see Mr. Roy. I'm going to visit the highschoool where I met the love of my life. The halls where I grew up, and danced, and made out a lot. The rooms where I tried my best to learn stuff. That is all that matters.

And I'm one day closer to my trip to paradise.